What's the point?

[Darian]

It's seems I have to change my personality. Because I have been an addict all my life, as far as I can remember, maybe 4 years old, I haven't developed many important aspects of a normal personality, like coping skills, self-respect, self-discipline, a drive for meaning in my life, skills and the desire to connect with other people, caring for and really truly loving even the ones around me. I feel like even if i have a child, I won't care for it as much as i care for keeping my addiction. How can i change my personality? My mother always tells me 'you were a completely different person before the age of 5. You were so loving, kind and cheerful.' This makes me really sad. sometimes I look the people around me and think 'Why do they bother with anything?' Where do they get the energy to live day after day? Why do they want to do things, any thing? I don't know what it feels like to want something, I don't know what it feels like to love somebody, even my family. I don't even know where to start, I don't even see the point to it. Sorry to be such a downer, this is what I have to say about the whole thing. Maybe today is just one of those days.

[lbressem]

Hi Darian - Starting something new, like this food plan and twelve step work, often brings up issues like you're describing. As I read your post, the first thing I thought was...take it easy. While it is a slogan, it's also true that we can't move through all our issues at once. I remember putting one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat...on many issues in my life. What I'm finding, and it seems new everyday, that the cleaner my abstinence is, the more willing I am to face issues that I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm also finding, to my utter amazement, that these issues can be given to my HIgher Power, and they are taken from me. I've found that writing in a journal, something I avoided most of my life, has helped me identify and explore some pretty scary problems. I then ask HP to take them, actually I say "I'm giving you this issue, I don't want it anymore. Please take it from me." The overwhelming sense of burden has been lifted. This is one of the miracles of this program. Please don't give up! You are worth it!! Linda

[Athiria]

Hi!
I can relate to your story. When I was younger than 5 I made friends everywhere, I was always happy and loved life. My dad says I had this drive and energy and creativity about me.
Now I sit here, haven't done shit in 3 years, 19 years old, and my life is a total mess. My mother wondered what happened to me. I became this paranoid, depressed person, with outbursts and difficulties with having normal relationships, who stayed in bed litteraly all day, and wouldn't even get up to get dressed or get a shower. Often I stayed up all night since I could not sleep. Mixing the stuff I found in the kitchen so I had something to "eat" till the store opened and I could get some chocolate or whateva. I still remember that store's opening times, haha...
But we've all taken a step in the right direction by coming here, right? :redface:

[Darian]

Hi Athiria,
It's like we have the same story, we were living happy healthy lives before we were abducted by an alien life force and have the life sucked out of us. The similarity is pretty remarkable. Thanks for sharing your story? How's your recovery if you don't mind my asking?

[Darian]

What I'm finding, and it seems new everyday, that the cleaner my abstinence is, the more willing I am to face issues that I've kept hidden for a long time.

Hi Ibressem,
Thank you for your advice. You know what, i do feel better now that i'm 4 days clean. It's like a fog being lifted. Issues aren't attacking me all at once. Thanks again, i really appreciate this support.

[lbressem]

You're welcome, Darian. I'm glad to see your post, and congratulations on your first days of abstinence. Linda