cutiepiex9
12-17-2011, 09:20 AM
I'm just angry today and needed a place to vent. I'm bulimic. Last week I reached a miraculous milestone of 14 days - no binging or purging at all. The problem was that I was really whiteknuckling days 11-14. Had previously scheduled social events that were at my house. I endured gourmet pizzas being delivered to my house. Desserts being brought by guests, PMS, and a death in the family. My husband left town for the funeral suddenly. Well, having the house to myself for 2 days all to myself on top of all the rest was just too much.
I am normal weight. In fact, I am trying to build muscle because the years of bodily abuse destroyed my strength.
I learned from the relapse. I was still struggling with chewing gum. Stevia, and caffeine. In addition, I had a hard time with whey protein-which I was used to drinking after my weight workouts for quick recovery. No more of this stuff.
I've never had trouble eating healthy. I love healthy food. And I've never binged on healthy food.
Well-here is my anger. I have reached out to some folks. And when I talk about my food plan, I get cut off, lectured, told that the disease is speaking etc. etc. Now I know that this can be the case. When I was justifying my whey-yes. Stevia-yes. I am measuring my food. I am abstaining from ALL forms of sugar/flour/wheat. I am trying to cycle my foods. I am planning my days. I add an extra fat because of a medical condition and because I am on maintenance-if not gain. I'm allowed to do that.
But when I switch my raw veggies and cooked veggies between lunch and dinner am I doing it wrong? NO. I'm allowed to do that.
Another thing I absolutely REFUSE to do is measure my lettuce and spinach for my salads. I have a salad bowl that I have used for years. Ever since I was a kid, I've loved salads. I've never binged on them. My salad bowl is my measurement. I measure other vegetables like peppers, broccoli, etc...Just not airy lettuce. The day I have to do that is the day I will give up forever. Having grown up on salads and vegetables on a meditterrean coast, I simply cannot. As an ex anorexic and bulimic to start getting it in my head that lettuce and spinach are somehow "bad" has the potential to be a trigger bomb for me. Telling myself I cannot have them, can bring the disease out and make me start binging on them.
For it to be suggested that I am somehow going to fail, or that I am on the road to denial because I refuse to measure my lettuce is ridiculous.
HERE IS WHAT SEEMS TO OFTEN BE FORGOTTEN:
THE FOOD PLAN IS "SUGGESTED". THE FOOD PLAN, KAY, OR FAA, OR THE PURPLE BOOK ARE NOT GOD. SOME PEOPLE DO NEED TO MAKE ADJUSTMENTS. ADJUSTMENTS THAT ARE NOT NECESSARIY "THE DISEASE SPEAKING". THE ONLY REQUIREMENT TO BE AN FAA MEMBER IS THE 'DESIRE TO ABSTAIN FROM ADDICTIVE FOODS'.
I am looking for a sponsor who will not lecture and judge and criticize. Who will not cut me off in the middle of explaining my food plan by arguing with me about something I have adamantly admitted I will not do. I need support. But if I am mistaken, I will learn on my own. I cannot be forced to do something I'm unwilling or not ready to do. But I am doing 95%. That is the best I can do right now.
I need a sponsor who understands that I do not need to lose weight. That I strength train for my health. Strength training is necessary to a healthy lifestyle. I do it 3 times a week. I do yoga once a week. THIS IS NOT EXCESSIVE exercise unless you do not exercise yourself and don't get it. I have never over-exercised in my life. That is not my purge. I, just like everyone else, have days that I do not feel like exercising and sit on my bumm instead.
Preferably, I would like a sponsor who has some idea about bulimia.
I am praying for this. I don't hear anyone with these issues in the phone meetings. Perhaps I will encounter them yet....
Sorry for the vent. I love this group. I know I need you all. I just think that some people take certain arguments too far-and maybe not all are cut out to be a sponsor. I'm hurting.
I am normal weight. In fact, I am trying to build muscle because the years of bodily abuse destroyed my strength.
I learned from the relapse. I was still struggling with chewing gum. Stevia, and caffeine. In addition, I had a hard time with whey protein-which I was used to drinking after my weight workouts for quick recovery. No more of this stuff.
I've never had trouble eating healthy. I love healthy food. And I've never binged on healthy food.
Well-here is my anger. I have reached out to some folks. And when I talk about my food plan, I get cut off, lectured, told that the disease is speaking etc. etc. Now I know that this can be the case. When I was justifying my whey-yes. Stevia-yes. I am measuring my food. I am abstaining from ALL forms of sugar/flour/wheat. I am trying to cycle my foods. I am planning my days. I add an extra fat because of a medical condition and because I am on maintenance-if not gain. I'm allowed to do that.
But when I switch my raw veggies and cooked veggies between lunch and dinner am I doing it wrong? NO. I'm allowed to do that.
Another thing I absolutely REFUSE to do is measure my lettuce and spinach for my salads. I have a salad bowl that I have used for years. Ever since I was a kid, I've loved salads. I've never binged on them. My salad bowl is my measurement. I measure other vegetables like peppers, broccoli, etc...Just not airy lettuce. The day I have to do that is the day I will give up forever. Having grown up on salads and vegetables on a meditterrean coast, I simply cannot. As an ex anorexic and bulimic to start getting it in my head that lettuce and spinach are somehow "bad" has the potential to be a trigger bomb for me. Telling myself I cannot have them, can bring the disease out and make me start binging on them.
For it to be suggested that I am somehow going to fail, or that I am on the road to denial because I refuse to measure my lettuce is ridiculous.
HERE IS WHAT SEEMS TO OFTEN BE FORGOTTEN:
THE FOOD PLAN IS "SUGGESTED". THE FOOD PLAN, KAY, OR FAA, OR THE PURPLE BOOK ARE NOT GOD. SOME PEOPLE DO NEED TO MAKE ADJUSTMENTS. ADJUSTMENTS THAT ARE NOT NECESSARIY "THE DISEASE SPEAKING". THE ONLY REQUIREMENT TO BE AN FAA MEMBER IS THE 'DESIRE TO ABSTAIN FROM ADDICTIVE FOODS'.
I am looking for a sponsor who will not lecture and judge and criticize. Who will not cut me off in the middle of explaining my food plan by arguing with me about something I have adamantly admitted I will not do. I need support. But if I am mistaken, I will learn on my own. I cannot be forced to do something I'm unwilling or not ready to do. But I am doing 95%. That is the best I can do right now.
I need a sponsor who understands that I do not need to lose weight. That I strength train for my health. Strength training is necessary to a healthy lifestyle. I do it 3 times a week. I do yoga once a week. THIS IS NOT EXCESSIVE exercise unless you do not exercise yourself and don't get it. I have never over-exercised in my life. That is not my purge. I, just like everyone else, have days that I do not feel like exercising and sit on my bumm instead.
Preferably, I would like a sponsor who has some idea about bulimia.
I am praying for this. I don't hear anyone with these issues in the phone meetings. Perhaps I will encounter them yet....
Sorry for the vent. I love this group. I know I need you all. I just think that some people take certain arguments too far-and maybe not all are cut out to be a sponsor. I'm hurting.