01-21-2012, 09:16 AM
A few days ago I was thinking to myself, 'Why don't I make the right choices for myself, my health, my well being?' This isn't just about a clean diet, either. It's about really taking care of yourself, not smoking that occasional cigarette, moving my body, pursuing my dream of becoming a seamstress at my spare times instead of watching tv for 5 hours a day, better grooming habits like using moisturizer, going shopping for better clothes for work and home, just a general array of habits that will primarily affect ME and make ME feel better, also of course a clean and well rounded diet. My quality of life is quiet low, not due to lack of money or time, just choices i make. I was pondering this, and at night an answer came to me in my sleep. This happens to me sometimes, when I can't figure something out during the day, I get clearly worded answers while sleeping. Not in a dream, but as a single sentence. To this particular question it was something like 'Because you believe you are not worth it'. The next day I was perplexed. I read many books on addiction and one valuable piece of information I got was that addicts are like teenagers and haven't developed emotionally and socially past a certain stage like other people do. They are selfish and self-centered. I recognized many of these traits in myself, not in a self-deprecating way, but shaken to the core way. I was dumbfounded to read it and see myself. So how can a person be selfish, self-centered and worthless to themselves at the same time? What's the difference between self-centered and worthy? I for the life of me can't figure out. I really am always thinking about myself and what I want first. But those wants are generally are not the best things for me. Somebody please help me out on this one. I feel figuring out the answer is significant in my recovery. Thank you for reading this long post.