lmterrell
02-09-2012, 03:19 AM
just need to talk/share...having such a hard time right now. i started faa january 1st and became abstinent instantly, but 18 days into it my sister died after a long illness and i relapsed. i gave myself time to grieve and set a day to go back on program and i did, but it only lasted for that 1 day. i'm trying to hold on, i keep doing phone meetings(90 in 90dys), try to make myself known at them but a lot of the time i stay muted and just listen. right now, i cna't seem to get full. i eat s/f/w, especially bread and i can't get satisfied. i takes everything in me daily not to go to the store and buy chocolate, bake a cchocolate cake or chocolate ice cream. chocolate was my comfort food, chocolate is what numbs me. i am terrified because when i relapse within 2 weeks i gained back 17 of the 19lbs i had lost. i am over 500lbs. this scares me, worries me, constantly on my thoughts but yet i continue to want to eat chocolate and pasta and sandwiches. i'm stuck. i am so deep into this disease that i'm just frozen into not knowing what to do. i need to attend another 12 step, that ties with this addiction. i want to be abstinent and to have 30, 60, 90 days of abstinence and to 1 day give service to help another newcomer. i want to be a speaker one day also. i am such a total mess right now and i'm tired, i am so tired of going through yet another day of carring this disease. the need to numb myself with the sugar/chocolate is so overwhelming and at the same time i see my salvation within faa, it's a battle going on. a horrible battle. i'm tired. i'm praying daily for my miracle. will the dt ever lessen or go silent? today i dealt with memories of being told i was selfish while growing up even though i was programmed to go beyond myself to do for others and cater to everyones wants and needs(?), yet i was told my needs were not important and to be happy was wrong. i never understood how i could be selfish yet i was always doing for others before myself??? why can't i just stop? my sister who died was an alcoholic who didn't stop drinking fast enough. i don't want to die from food addiction/morbid obesity or from a disease i could have got got help for. my name is la-uana and i am a food addict and i am here for all outreach from anyone who can extend wisdom/advice/encouragement or just an hello. cell #510-253-6721 california