My First Day

[danusia]

Hi Everyone:

I'm going to try to beat this addiction one day at a time. Very scary because I have failed so many times. Just typing "addiction" was terrifying and relieving. I've never said it "out loud" before.

I'm a thin person. No one in my life would guess that I am so afraid of and consumed by food.

I binge, but I don't purge. Not like the binging you might see on TV--but I will eat about 1000 calories at a sitting--usually at nite, when I feel alone. Luckily, I never gain more than a few pounds but still, I am miserable about food and have been for years. And I'm afraid--terrified--I will gain weight.

I've always been obsessed with food--from the time my mom died when I was 19 (I'm now 47). My disordered eating has always been a part of my life--but I've always been thin. The crazy binging started a few years ago after my marriage/relationship of 15 years endued with my ex cheating on me.

That's the kicker. The binges. I'm afraid to come home at night. And I was so glad to have found this page bc yes, the triggers--sugar, flour, fatty foods--do get me going. I recently had surgery and bc of the pain meds, I lost my appetite. As a result, I didn't eat the trigger foods, was not allowed to drink alcohol (though I did have coffee), and my obsession waned. I just felt so much happier and much more centered during those few months I was on meds. But now I'm back to the binges. It's almost like I can't process any emotion--good or bad--without thinking of food. Some of it is a behavior and I'm sure a chunk of it is physical.

Usually, the binge notes happen 3-4 evening a week (usually in a row) and then I am "good" 3-4 days. They can start when I buy something "illegal" like cookies or when I'm stressed. Other than this, my diet is very healthy. I'm a vegetarian, love fruits and veggies and really do try not to eat junk(Even the junk I binge on is healthy--free of additives, etc....but really, that's besides the point). I do like wine w/dinner but I realize I'll need to cut it out.

I've been through years of therapy (alcoholic parents). I feel pretty self-aware--but obviously I have a ways to go. I'm in a healthier place right now. I'm in a pretty good relationship --but my man also has what I consider to be an eating disorder (He's very fit but also continually tried to lose weight. The other nite, he admitted trying to purge, which really worries me). But he is good to me. It's healthier than I've ever known. Just the fact that he told me that was communicative.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of going out to dinner tomorrow with my boyfriend and not drinking (We always have a drink at dinner--which then loosens my inhibitions and helps make it easier for me to eat the offenders) Of not having the will to forego a drink.

But I'm going to try. Please tell me I can do it. I'm just so scared but I cannot live like this anymore. I just want to be a normal person who eats 3 meals and a snack, and who doesn't count calories and obsess about food. I don't want my heart to beat out of my chest when I come home or go to the grocery store. I want to think about other things. I want to be in the moment.

I just want to be normal
Danusia

[TraceyT]

Dear Danusia

I've just read your email and whilst I have been overweight at times in my life, the rest of your story completely resonates with me, on so many levels. I'm 47 too, and after growing up in a chaotic home, with an alcoholic, adulterous father and a completely emotionally unstable mother, I too have years of therapy as a result of following similar patterns in my own doomed relationships.

But, there is hope. I had 2 years of blissful abstinence, where for the first time in my life, I was authentically happy and free from the binge/purge/crave/diet/guilt/shame etc... cycle - and by following the FAA food plan, it was easy. But I foolishly got complacent, stopped weighing and measuring, and thought I could eat like other people and get away with it. Fast forward three years and I find myself back in the grip of the disease of food addiction as bad as ever. But, I have 7 days abstinence and tomorrow, well I will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow !

I have an appointment to go to now, but I will be back - but after reading your post, could not leave without posting quickly to offer my support and to tell you, you are NOT alone ... and to give you reassurance that this program WORKS !! I can promise you that authentic happiness and freedom from this nightmare is possible. I have lived that dream and I will again - with the support of you and others just like you. Together, we can - and will - do it, one step and one day at a time.

Hang tough !

Tracey