Partner who does not believe in food addiction

[clairmonde]

I am just coming to terms with the fact I have a food addiction by watching a friend come through her drug addiction and recognizing uncanny similarities. I am glad to have found your site and will engage as my first steps in tackling a life long issue. Just a bit of background: I used to be very athletic and could eat anything; I work hard and am successful at anything when I apply myself. When it comes to food... it is a whole other story. I have no other addictions but food. I am 5'7 and a size 12/14 and hold my weight well.

My husband in naturally thin and had a healthy happy upbringing. He does not believe in food addiction and thinks I am just - in his words - "weak willed, lazy, uncommitted, not willing to try, do not value him or love him enough to change my behavior, flaunting my eating and disrespecting him by hiding it under the bed, unattractive to him because I am not a size 8 or 10, he needs a lean skinny wife, if I just stopped eating bad foods or as much food and stayed a size 8 or 10 he/we would be much happier as my eating and lying about it is a significant detriment to our marriage... etc."

I have coined the name "Food Nazi" for my husband as he constantly hovers over me making comments about my food choices, telling what I should or should not do as if I was a child, scolding me verbally or with disdainful looks and then punishing me by angrily telling me I don't care enough or witholding affection. All of this "Food Nazi" behavior is done in public in front of family, friends and strangers.

So here in lies the rub. How do I start down my path of addressing my food addiction and address how both of us see food and deal with the "adventure" I am about to embark upon? I will call it an adventure to create a positive image of my journey but I am only just admitting my food addiction now and this very moment in tears wanting to eat alone upstairs with no one to judge me.

What have others done withe spouses or family members when embarking or dealing with handling food addictions? How does it become a journey where both are successful in helping the other?

[step3]

Dear Clair,

Welcome to Food Addicts Anonymous. I'm so very glad that you have discovered the truth of your food addiction~ that is the first step on a lifelong journey. I like how you call it "an adventure", because life in recovery really is like that. It's not always a happy adventure, because life continues to be life, but there's always something to learn even when it's not completely fun. And learning about myself is something I was unwilling to do when I was in active food addiction. When I'd have an unpleasant feeling, it was in the nature of my food addiction to run to some form of sugar/flour/or wheat to stuff it.

I'm very sorry to hear of how your husband is treating you. I know you're not alone with this, Clair. I myself am fortunate because I'm married to someone in 12 Step recovery from another substance addiction, so he does understand somewhat. But in the early days of my abstinence and recovery, there was some sabotaging going on. This is life and death for me, so I put my foot down and always called him on it. I also read some of the literature passages out loud to him and he gradually came to understand what was going on with me. It might have been easier in my case because I became very large and there was clearly something wrong with the way I ate. Once I explained about the bio-chemical nature of food addiction, and how the food addict's body processes s/f/w differently that a non-food addict's body (causing uncontrollable cravings), he came to understand better.

As for your hope and desire for the two of you to be in recovery~ you from food addiction and him from his expectations and also being the partner of a food addict~ I really think you'd do better right now to put First Things First. Your food addiction and the necessity to become abstinent are of prime importance in these early days. You may need to keep the focus on yourself for now because, honestly, you are powerless over his thoughts, opinions, behaviors. A prayer you'll hear around FAA is helpful here: "Bless him, change me".

Come along with us in recovery, Clair. "Abstinence will open the door, and by working the Twelve Steps, we can recover from this disease." In FAA, we keep in the day, and only do this One Day at a Time. If you believe in a Power greater than yourself, I recommend asking it for help... and also I suggest turning your husband over to it. Find a sponsor to help you and who will also be able to listen when your husband says the hurtful things he is bound to be saying for the foreseeable future. You will also be making some very nice friends in FAA who will support you.

You've come to the right place. There are lots of Tools of Recovery to assist you and this can be done, even when those we live with don't understand our addiction. The important thing is that we ourselves come to understand it. For today, abstain from sugar, flour, wheat and volume, no matter what. All the rest will fall into place as time goes on... you'll see, Clair. :P

Blessings,
step3

[Jackie]

I can relate to having family members who do not believe in food addictions - they don't believe in any addictions - not even addiction to alcohol - they simply just don't believe that there is such a thing...they aren't bad people or misinformed or uninformed - they just don't understand how they can eat one cookie and stop and I can't...and my sponsors suggested to me that I need to set a boundary with them about my food plan and what I'm doing with my food. I reassured my family that I recognized that I had a problem and that I had found a group that I believed was addressing that problem. And I made it off limits to discuss with them anything to do with what I was eating or how much....I know it sounds harsh, but we're all adults here and it's ok for me to take care of myself and to ask for what I need. I truly do believe that following this food plan and working this 12 step program of recovery has been by far the best thing I've ever done for myself. And as hard as it was to set this boundary with my loved ones, it's worked out ok. I was so fearful of their reaction when I told them that I didn't want to discuss my food plan with them or what I was eating or how much I was eating. And actually only one person got a bit angry over my setting this boundary and the others just kind of shrugged and it was ok with them....They have their food and I have my food and I don't comment on what they are doing with their food and I do have to remind them from time to time that I expect them to respect what I'm doing with my food - I've never asked them to accept what I'm doing or to understand what I'm doing...I feel that would be like mission impossible...it's not going to happen and even though I've lost a great deal of weight and have kept most of it off - they still don't believe that it will stay off - it's like they keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I've been at a healthy weight and look normal for my build and age (for the first time in my adult life!) for over 2 years and they can't seem to accept it or even be happy for me...so I'm finally seeing that this all has more to do with them than with me....I could see that we all have problems with "control issues" and that when it comes to my food - I'm definitely a "control freak" - all of that yo-yo dieting - kept looking for the right diet, the right book the right whatever to make it all go away -I wanted to be "in control"....and I was fearful when I needed to surrender the food in order to abstain so that the cravings would stop...was fearful of giving up that feeling that I was in control of the food that went into my own mouth and today I'm grateful that my Higher Power who I choose to call God has been patiently waiting for me to see that I never really had any control over this disease - it was just an illusion created by my disease...I'm truly powerless once I eat the sugar, flour, wheat or any other high carb foods, high fat foods or highly processed foods...once I eat these foods, it begins a chemical reaction in my brain that I cannot control - I'm powerless over it...my only hope of getting rid of the cravings is to abstain and I cannot let anyone get in my way....this is a life and death battle for me and if my family cannot understand that or accept that, then that's ok, they don't need to - it's me that needs to accept that I have this disease and accept the solution...as far as I know there isn't any test available for "food addiction" - it's more like if the solution works, then it's probably food addiction...and even those who don't believe they are food addicts or have other food related problems have found support and help within these rooms...and I hope that you will come to at least 6 meetings before you decide that we don't have anything to offer...

[Diane]

Dear Clairmonds,

So sorry to be responding to your posting so late. My name is Diane and I am a food addict who has been in FAA recovery for the past five years and remain quite grateful. I would like to take this blessed opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope with you relative to being in how Steps 1, 2 and 3 actually helped and conitnue to help me stay abstinent and accept my disease of food addiction one blessed day at a time.

My husband who deceased May 26th was very supportive to me from the onset. He actually weighed and measured my food and helped to prepare my abstinent meals. For several of the five years, my husband did not believe in the disease of food addiction. What he saw and related to was the fact that I my health was being restored. I truly believe by the Grace of my Higher Power who I call God and the FAA fellowship one day at a time. He still continued to be supportive. However, I wanted him to know about food addiction disease - that was me. I have learned that the only one who needed to learn about food addiction disease was "me", the food addict. I had to believe Step One that I was powerless over my disease of food addiction, that I need a power greater than me (Step Two) and that I needed to turn my life and my will over to the Will of my Godd one blessed day at a time. (I can't, He can and I needed to let Him.) The powerlessness over my disease was an admission I had to make for I am the food addict. The Food Addicts Anonymous Recovery Program has been a blessing for me one day at a time. I believe I would not be alive right now.

I lovingly suggest you consider the following suggestions:

* Continue to "keep coming back";
* Attend the FAA telephone, online and FAA Loop meetings; (the listing for the meetings is posted on the FAA webstie www.foodaddictsanonymous.org (http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org).);
* Continue to post on the FAA Online Support;
* The FAA green book has many qonderful and informative readings which will help you understand food addiction disease. A few readings which come to mind (In The Beginning, pages 29, 30 and 31), The very first reading on Food Addiction, The Letter from Liz Gibson, A reading on page 252 - In The Palm of His Hand, The Guide To Abstinence (page 271), and 'Thoughts on Sprituality". These are just a few readings to help you learn about food addiction disease and how to stay on your side of the street by taking care of yourself.

Trust me, work this FAA Recovery Program. It works if you work it and you are worth it. Looking forward to talking with you.

Please feel free to contact me contact me - via e-mail at Queens4463@aol.com

in gratitude for the FAA fellowship,
Diane
Queens4463@aol.com

[BLOOM$NTX]

My husband in naturally thin and had a healthy happy upbringing. He does not believe in food addiction and thinks I am just - in his words - "weak willed, lazy, uncommitted, not willing to try

My boyfriend keeps saying if you just exercise....if you ran 5 miles, 3 or 4 times a week you could eat anything you want.

At this moment in time I am unable to walk five miles....let alone run.

Thank you for the reading suggestions...

[JustForToday]

My family doesn't understand why I need to eat the way I do on the FAA food plan and they keep telling me to just have a little bit and stop, but I never could eat just a little of something having sugar in it. I would become obsessed with it and had to keep going back for more till it was all gone. I took seconds and thirds before my family was even ready for 2nds - I used to eat so fast and sometimes still do. I always wanted to be a normal eater, but I never was - I don't think I know what that is...

[sassysinger]

Hi, my dad doesn't seem to believe he has a food addiction. My mom is at her wits end of what to do for him. She has finally decided to stop criticizing him about his food and the quantity of his meals... they got into a big argument yesterday and she came home in tears... We just don't know what to do anymore. The doctors can't get through to him that he needs to change his eating habits due to the state of his physical health. He is now on soo many different medications as well as has a lot of pain in his ankles and knees due to his weight. Does anybody have any suggestions of how we can help my dad?

[here42da]

My heart goes out to you, and thank you for sharing with us. I have heard this type of story before. Unfortunately, You can not do this for your Dad, nor your Mom. It has to come from him, and be his decision. He has to have the willingness, and sometimes we have to hit bottom before we can see that. I think as with myself that any prodding, being critical, as well as a lot of other methods probably make things worse, even though we have the person's best interest in mind. The only thing I can think of right now is Pray, Pray, Pray. It also reminds me of some of the interventions that I have seen done, and don't know if that would be an answer also. But your Dad has to want help and be willing. I know even now I don't like to have my husband tell me something in correcting me (even if he is right.) I definitely have improved in that area though through working the steps, and being more willing to take the advice of experienced people in our program. That didn't come easy, but has been a process. I know that it is hard watching someone get sicker, and sicker, and not being able to do anything about it. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Thanks for sharing,
here42da

[sassysinger]

Thank you for the encouragement and words of wisdom. We are and have been praying for him and well continue to do so.. Because we know that only God can help him with this... no man or woman can. It has to be an internal desire. I am in complete belief that God will have his way in due time.
Thanks again for your response. I greatly appreciated it!
God bless! =)

[personaltrainer]

It is so refreshing to read some of these posts and know that I am not alone. My husband does not believe or understand food addiction and it got to the stage where he used this problem as a tool to attack me everytime we argued. He would tell me how ugly he finds it, how I have no self control and how it makes him not want to be with me etc.

For the past 6 months I have told him that I am cured of this and the truth is I am not. It's terrible that I have had to tell this big lie to him, however it has stopped the constant verbal abuse I used to endure over it.

I am very happy to have discovered this site and be a part of a community of people who understand food addiction. I feel strong right now and I hope that being a part of FAA will help me to overcome this once and for all.

God Bless :)

[biggiesmalls]

I went on Atkin's in 2005 and became completely abstinent (even though I didn't know what that was at the time). I was happy, healthy and active thanks to my great food choices.

From day one I was pressured by EVERYONE to eat. My co-workers would worry that I was not eating enough carbs and would make meals for me. When I would respectfully decline their meals they would become upset. They would also try to make "healthy" foods that they thought I should be able to eat. Although I do not believe they tried to sabotage me but there were many times I would take a couple bites of the "healthy" foods just to find out they had slipped in sugar or flour.

The most difficult pressure put upon me was by my boyfriend at the time. He too had struggled with weight and understood the battles to keep portion sizes small. However, he could not understand why he could eat "bad" once a month and I couldn't. He would give me the same ol' lines I've heard in this thread. "Just take a few bites and stop." I would refuse and refuse until one day he said "I just wish I could date someone who would eat normally." Food has always made me self conscious and insecure. I did not want to lose my boyfriend because of my strict food choices and gave in. Slowly but surely I became addicted to food again in 2008.

I have been told time and time again that there is no such thing as food addiction. I have believed this for such a long time and I'm so glad there is a community of people that believe there is a problem. With the support of the community I will try again to overcome my addiction.

I am not sure how I will be successful without my coworker's, family's, and partner's support. I know that I have to do this though and am determined to see it through this time. Thank you so much for the post. I thought I was the only one who had these issues.

[nevertoolate]

HEY, BSMALLS, YOU WILL GET SUPPORT HERE......there are plenty of people out here who know what you are talking about when you say food addiction and are willing to listen and help any way they can. FAA is a great program....it must be very very hard to have someone pressure you about eating....I can't eat just a little bit either, no way....you have to do what's best for you, what will help you lead a happier, healthier life.....I wish you the best, stay in touch with FAA....they will be here for you...
Marilyn in Ohio

[nevertoolate]

HEY CLAIRMONDE, HOW ARE YOU DOING??? This has been awhile but I'm new and just saw this and man, it must be hard for you having someone pressure you like that. I hope things have gotten better for you .....we are here to support you 24/7, keep reaching out, FAA can work if you work it......the people at FAA know what you are talking about and even if your husband doesn't understand, there is plenty of support here.....I hope to see you online again...take care CLAIRMONDE
Marilyn in Ohio

[nevertoolate]

GOD BLESS ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ENDURE EVEN THOUGH THEIR PARTNER DOES NOT SUPPORT THEM.
Marilyn

[Athiria]

I find it SO HARD too when you get pressured from the outside to eat. I guess I get better and better about it - I don't really mind eating my abstinence food with other people around. I just don't give them more information than what they need to hear: if they ask "why don't you eat rice" I just say "I don't like rice." or "IEEEW, NEVER!"

I got a girl that is REALLY upset about me not eating candy at fridays and stuff(well she thinks i don't haha). Although she's a food addict herself so I guess it's her problem.

The biggest problem I got now is the fact that I do these "fancy homecooked meals" when everybody around me is getting frozen pizza. (I'm 19).
It's also hard to find time to do the food planning and stuff when everybody else is partying and being with people 24/7. It's like "Oh, you're going in to town? Awesome, I can't go with you because I have to put my steak in the oven."

[nevertoolate]

:chuncky:GOOD JOB, ATHIRIA, YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!!!
That is awesome, keep it up, be good to yourself. You are a strong person. You won't regret it. You are investing in your future.
Marilyn in Ohio

[mainecyn]

I am scared to tell my own spouse because all his own comments during my "diets" are the same, you just need to eat smaller portions and get active. He doesn't grasp the concept of the addiction, the binge eating. I don't know if he really believes you can be addicted to food. I've listened to comments over the years about other people and I'm scared to tell him. He has never ever made comments to me. I am sorry you are going thru this, having a spouse say anything at all hurtful or disrespectful, no one should have to go thru that.

[alicemdavid]

I am scared to tell my own spouse because all his own comments during my "diets" are the same, you just need to eat smaller portions and get active. He doesn't grasp the concept of the addiction, the binge eating. I don't know if he really believes you can be addicted to food. I've listened to comments over the years about other people and I'm scared to tell him. He has never ever made comments to me. I am sorry you are going thru this, having a spouse say anything at all hurtful or disrespectful, no one should have to go thru that.


FAA promise #24
***We will know freedom from the fear of change in our relationships with the community, our families, and our friends


** My recovery is my responsibility**
page 53 food addicts anonymous green book
We have the desire, we have the plan, we have the support...WE HAVE THE DISEASE. We now have the responsibility of taking care of ourselves in a positive, healthy way. Our food is our responsibility. That is not negotiable. Our families and friends cannot know the feelings of the disease inside each of us. They cannot understand the importance of following a precise food plan each day. They cannot understand the importance of meetings and phone calls. On the other hand, why should they? The waiter or chef at a restaurant has no idea of the importance of not adding that pinch of sugar that tops off his creation. Why should he? We understand we must do the footwork necessary to protect ourselves from the addictive substances in foods. We are totally responsible for our own abstinence. It makes no difference whether the desire to eat is caused by feelings or from ingesting a trigger food. We are responsible.We must buy the right foods, read the labels and ask the questions. We must cook separately, if necessary, and protect our stash of abstinent food, just as we did our binge foods.We must be the ones to weigh and measure our food. We must be the ones to walk away from non-abstinent foods that look or smell too good to resist. We must avoid food between meals. No one can talk us into anything unless we allow it. Our abstinence has to be the most important thing in our lives. It is our responsibility to nurture ourselves in healthy ways. No one has the responsibility to make us happy so that we will not want to turn to food to fill the hole. No one can make us eat. The disease will sit on our shoulder and tell us to blame others for our thoughts and actions. In recovery, we are given the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change. We can't stop thoughts, but we can change how we react to them. We are each responsible for our own recovery.

to order our literature contact world service office
(772) 878-9657
link to web http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/catalog

[Jevon]

Best ever posts I could find on the topics. Thanks everyone for sharing info. I'm just a newbie.
Hope for a nice time. regards

[Carl Bucket]

As a former and current partner to two food addicted women, I must say that there are really no good resources for people in close relation to food addicts. Sure, we can read the literature written for food addicts, but that is like Alanons reading AA literature. It helps us to understand the disease better, but really does not help us know what our best actions should be. Alanon has their own program, but there is not program for those others impacted by food addiction.

For instance, what does the spouse of the addicted partner do when the addiction is impacting the family finances and emotional security? What should a partner do when a food addicted individual sinks into the depths of her/his disease to the point in which they are unable to experience intimacy, happiness, or even kindness?

What normally happens? The partner tries to be supportive by buying gym memberships, patterning healthy behavior, becoming a food Nazi, buying exercise equipment, trying to protect the food addicted person from triggers, etc. Or, they wallow in the misery of the disease, believing that it is their lot in life to remain in the throws of another's addiction, and they start a complex process of rationalization. Or, they become critical and punishing.

Now, for the partner of the food addicted person who enters recovery things are not much better. Again, while he or she may be able to read the literature, there is no good support to help to deal with the new normal of living with a partner who is aggressively working a food program. Again, while there is Alanon for the family member or close relation to the alcoholic, the partner or family member of the food addicted person are on their own to figure out what they are supposed to do.

So, all of this is to say, Cut your significant others some slack. While you have a program, they are left to wing it.

[LindaLou]

For instance, what does the spouse of the addicted partner do when the addiction is impacting the family finances and emotional security? What should a partner do when a food addicted individual sinks into the depths of her/his disease to the point in which they are unable to experience intimacy, happiness, or even kindness?

....Now, for the partner of the food addicted person who enters recovery things are not much better. Again, while he or she may be able to read the literature, there is no good support to help to deal with the new normal of living with a partner who is aggressively working a food program.


Just a thought -- relationship counseling might be a good idea. Because you are repeating this pattern, some of this is your issues. (Like a woman who keeps marrying alcoholics -- they have their own issues or they wouldn't keep repeating the pattern).

People change as they go through life, and it effects most relationships. Some just split, and some together unhappily. Some work through things and grow together. It sounds like you guys aren't doing that right now, but it is an option. A good marriage counselor can help. You don't have to wing it.