God bless him, he is a rock for me as a gratefully recovering food addict. But (and there is a but!), he has been trying to give me more "variety" and showing up with foods that are not on the food plan. He feels it's OK to bring them home because they're not "flour and sugar". I know he means well, he is happy that I am losing weight and getting healthier, and I think he stills see food as a way to reward me for my good efforts.
Sigh.... what should I do?
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
It sounds like this man loves and supports you. Sometimes people just simply don't know exactly how to do that. I would sit him down, tell him how lucky you are to have someone so supportive, as not everyone has that. Then let him know that "grey" foods(foods that are not on the plan but are not sugar, flour and wheat) have led many people back to sugar, flour and wheat. Tell him that if he wants or needs to do something nice that you like...........(figure out other things-going to a movie, going to dinner at a place that is easy to eat, a hot bath-whatever)
I would also just keep telling him how grateful you are for him. Best wishes.
Thank you SFWFree! I did speak with him, but finally the other day he brought home a container of these salty macadamia nuts. And I suffered a relapse for that day - I started eating them and didn't stop. He was shocked when he saw the container the next day. (I had done a lot of prayer, made a call, and thanks to God got right back on the program) That's when it really hit home with him, and now he knows that he cannot do this anymore.
I think for him, my talking about my addiction was nothing but talk, and now with this concrete evidence he is 100% on board.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
It's very fortunate for you that you have someone loving who will support you on this journey. My boyfriend still just keeps saying "But I love you the way you are". He still doesn't get that it's not about him. It's about me and how I feel about myself. Thank God, for him, that he has an extremely high metabolism because he eats candy and sweets and chips/dip, oh you name it, he eats it. And he's a late night snacker. Thank God, and my own self discipline, that we don't live together. The few nights per week that I do spend at his house are torture. I'll even take my own food over there, and he claims to be supportive, but frowns that I don't eat the same foods he does or drink beer with him (he's a big time drinker too). I love him, but lately am really wondering how I'm ever going to be able to stay with him in his "house of horrors (that's what all the junk he eats is to me)".
Welcome to FAA, pamarnold!
What we learn when we come here is that not everyone understands food addiction. But then, it's not really all that essential that they do... the important thing is that we ourselves understand it, admit that we have it (if we do) and come to a peaceful acceptance of our condition in our hearts.
It's very, very hard when you're in an intimate relationship with someone who is pushing food and alcohol on you, though. I'm very fortunate in that my husband is in another 12-Step program for substances and so does understand somewhat what this is all about. But that didn't come easily, even so, and It was a process of me setting boundaries around the food and sticking with them no matter what. I also did sit him down in the early days and just explained to him my understanding of what food addiction is and how it affects me. He could tell there was something very different about me and food... my huge size said it for me, I didn't have to say a word about it to him.
What I'd suggest for you in these early days, pamarnold, is to get to meetings for the information and support, and to learn about food addiction. Also, it will be very helpful for you to start your recovery by getting onto the FAA suggested food plan. Following the food plan will get the offending sugar/flour/wheat out of your system (once you've come through withdrawal) and that will make it much easier for you to be around all those foods at your boyfriend's house. This is just me, but in your situation, I think I'd stay away from his house during withdrawal and any other time I was feeling vulnerable. I wouldn't feel I had to completely stay away from him, though... In the early days, I'd still have him over to my own place, where I could control the food situation.
Many of us do have people close to us who don't understand at all what this is all about, and some of our members even are in close situations where they are not supported. But we have our program and our fellowship, so we can do this, no matter what we have to deal with! I believe this is true, not only for me but for all of us who found our way to FAA: The God of my understanding did not lead me here, just to drop me. I am loved and supported, and I can and will be successful one day at a time.
By the way, I do recommend looking into getting some FAA literature. Not only did I learn so much from reading it, but it has also been a comfort to me. You can see what's available here:
http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/catalog
God bless you, pamarnold. So glad you're here. Keep coming, this does work!!!
Hi,
I could really identify with your share concerning your loving spouse. I have often thought and noticed that while my husband is so very loving and concerned wth my health, he still doesn not understand the concept of food addiction.
He is away much more then home, but when he does come home, he also brings some of the non-abstinent foods into the home. I have been working on dealing with this a little at a time. I used to bake for him, but found that I was too tempted by the sweets. I am finding now that gradually one by one I have been able to delegate some of this non-abstinent fixing to other members in the family. Ex. like a birthday cake. I am hoping this year that they will give me a big bowl of fruit for my birthday, instead of the cake. Of course their idea is usually that there are others at the get-to-gether that will be eating. It is not all about me.
There are some trhings that don't change, but for me I have changed, and my husband has noticed that and while not understanding he does admit and praises me for the change in my health due to FAA and the support of everyone else that is here in this program.
I was first told in addiction training long ago by my mentor - Jim, "If I had a loving spouse, supportive family, family physician and an understanding boss I could have continued my addiction another 15 years!" Jim often confided concern to me at the laughter he would receive after sharing this when he was the featured speaker. He never had these "support people" in his using years but was confident if he did he would have suffered longer in his addict misery or even possibly died. Caring people close to us often misunderstand the need to treat our FA or other addictions as an illness or disease. Jim understood and enjoyed life and I believe lived longer because of his lack of codependents or chief enablers in his life. The patented Online Rehab Clinic (ORC) is the first to request approval from 12 step organizations. 30 days use for $195 encourages family members and friends to begin rehab first and the "identified patient" will follow. If you are an identified patient whose family has not yet accepted education or help, set the example for them and get help for yourself first including as many FAA meetings as you can.
Thanks for sharing your story about Jim, your mentor, SmartMedicine. It is so true that being enabled keeps addicts in the disease much longer than need be, and that the bottom that we all must reach before we are able to accept help comes more quickly when the "supports" are withdrawn.
While I wish you well with your Online Rehab, I wouldn't hold out much hope that 12 Step organizations will give you an endorsement for it. According to FAA's Tradition 6:
An FAA group out never endorse, finance or lend the FAA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.Best wishes,We do not endorse literature, other than FAA literature. We do not lend our name to treatment centers, weight loss clinics, or any other outside enterprise.
We cannot be all things to all people, or our message will be diluted. Our fellowship will surely die if we divert from our primary purpose--to carry the message of recovery to the still suffering food addict. Our lives depend on FAA unity.
-- Food Addicts Anonymous, The Steps to Recovery, pp 51-52
step3
I have a question for people who are themselves food addicts: How did you finally get to the point where you were able to listen to your spouses? My husband is an out of control fat and dairy addict, and his refusal to get help is scaring me. He was doing great after his lap band surgery a few years ago, but then he stopped seeing his nutritionist and dropped out of the support group. Now he has gained 30+ pounds in less than 2 months and his diabetes is all over the map. We can't even make love anymore because of his fat. How can a healthy loving spouse get through to a man who refuses to love himself and his family - we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter - enough to get a grip and get help?
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